Sorry I haven't been keeping up with my blog, you guys! I hit a little rough patch for a little bit.
I enjoy writing about progressive things, and for the past couple weeks or so, it's been hard for me to find things to write about. I had been riding not only the wedding high, but the moving high, and the new house high, etc. etc. And one day I woke up and that 'high' felt as if it had vanished. Suddenly cleaning the dishes 3x a day, along with other chores, wasn't as exhilerating as it was 2 months ago. Making dinner didn't hold the appeal it did 2 months ago. And throughout the day, I had a voice in head come out of no where that said 'you're depressed'. And I said, 'Haha... No, I most certainly am not. Please go away.' But it kept coming back, saying the same thing, and after fighting it for a couple weeks, I finally started believing it. I stopped paying attention to my 'to-do' list. I stopped looking for ways to keep my mind occupied, and for about a week, I just did the bare minimun. I made dinner, I cleaned dishes when they were piled a mile high, and at the end of the day would quickly clean up before I went to pick Joe up from work.
Obviously I'm not proud of this slump I was in, but... I just want to be real with you, and admit that I am not JUST the happy go lucky loving every milisecond of life person ALL of the time. I aim to be, but let's be real, who is? Anyway- I had been keeping the way I was truly feeling from Joe, when it finally came crashing down this weekend. Saylor was taking a nap and Joe and I were playing a game of Othello. Now, Joe beats me at almost EVERYTHING we do, and I'm used to it, and usually think it's pretty humorous- but this game was different. I started getting very upset and frustrated, calling myself dumb and questioning why he is always better at everything. Then being the female that I am, that converstaion ultimately turned into something else entirely (the real reason I've been so glum). I MISS MY FAMILY. AND MY FRIENDS. And even my old coworkers.
I am in grief of the life I "gave up" to come to Oregon. I felt very guilty for feeling that way. So- moving on to the point of me realizing it's not worth it to feel bad anymore.....
Yesterday- I looked in the mirror and just told myself that I had given myself time to mope and feel sorry for myself, and that was enough. It was now time to get back to business. I promised myself that as soon as I felt myself starting to mope or feel sad again, I would feel it, and recognize it for what it is, and then I would go on to keep myself busy and not sit in it all day.
So, so far so good. I feel good, and like I'm getting back on track. (And I can't lie, the fact that my parents are going to be at my house in less than 48 hours is helping). I just keep telling myself this is a place to grow as a person and really... a place to really get to know myself and learn to REALLY love myself, which I think is an art very few of us TRULY master. I am now officially turning off the mean voice in my head, and turning on the nice one. Beside, if the mean voice was a real person, there is NO way I would ever hang out with them. So, I'm applying that same concept to the mean side of my brain. :D I love you guys.
I am so proud of you! These things are so hard to admit to yourself, much less to say. And, yes, you better believe we all feel that way from time to time. It is so totally normal for you to feel this after your whole life changed in almost a split second. It shows what a strong person you truly are that it took this long for you to feel this way and also for you to be real about it. You and Joe are going to be fine, better than fine, and it will feel like your new, real home out there before you know it. I cannot WAIT to see you guys. Our flight leaves in not much more than 24 hours!!!! LOVE you!
ReplyDeleteCasey! I love you. I have been following your blog :) I certainly think there is something to be said when a person can be so in touch with themselves they realize what is going on and are proactive towards making things the best they can be. You're so intelligent, and surprising, and beautiful. I feel as though you've done wonderfully with the cards you've been dealt. I miss you so much. It really does just bring me joy that Saylor is going to have such a unique, strong mother to look up to. I just have so much confidence in you! Love you foreva! :) -Taylor
ReplyDeleteGIRL!
ReplyDeleteIt's ME, Kinz :) I finallllly made a blog and just posted for the very first time (nothing exciting, but it feels good to have my own lil corner of webspace!)
ANYWAYYYY, I Just wanted to say that I, too, am sooooo very proud of you, and agree that what you were dealing with is definitely perfectly normal, and that you have handled it all with grace and addressed the situation with the necessary firmness/realness of a mature and responsible adult (would I expect anything less?) :P
I want to add that it is important, also, not just to 'keep busy' so as not to sit in sadness, or distract yourself from it, but to really FEEL what is sitting behind the sad face (as you said, recognize and feel it). Many times we try to suppress and avoid these "less than ideal" feelings, hoping they will fade in time, but as you discovered, unless something has been dealt with, and I mean really and truly from the roots up, then it will inevitably come back to haunt us later on, and will have festered much deeper after being ignored for any amount of time. This is tough for anyone, and almost always involves forgiveness and acceptance of ourselves, coupled with decisions to cultivate a new and improved attitude. Sounds like you are doing great in that respect! And you are right, true self love is surely one of the most difficult tasks we face as humans, one that needs constant attention, reflection, and redirection. I hope you and the fam had (or are having) a glorious time together. I know that must've been toooo exciting for all of you! :) Much, much love to you all. XO