My mantra...

I had the most wonderful conversation with my best friend, Kinsey, the other day. We talked for 2 hours, so a lot was discussed. She's a very 'with it' girl, so I always thoroughly enjoy hearing what she has to say about... well, anything. We came to the topic of our love lives, and she said something to me that really hit home. She was saying that naturally in relationships we develop expectations, and that seems harmless in most aspects, but it's really not okay. She said, love is just love, it doesn't expect anything, and when you don't get what you expect from your partner, you feel slighted or unfulfilled, but it's really your fault in the first place for having those expectations. And she is absolutely right.

My relationship with Joe is great, but after hearing those words from her, I really started to put them into play, and just over the past week, our connection has really strengthened. I realized I DID have expectations that even I was unaware of, because they had become so engraved and accepted in our relationship, and then when they weren't met, I became authoritative and almost demanding of them to BE met. Now that I'm seeing those expectations for what they are and I'm letting them go. And now that they are going away, I feel more fulfilled than ever! Who wants to do something for someone when they are demanding it? It's easier to deliver when a person has their guard down and doesn't have any strict guidelines to meet. Is this making sense?! Hahaha.

Okay, so this brings me to how I developed my mantra. The day Kinsey and I spoke about this, I became determined to break down my expectations. So, I drove to the OSU campus to pick Joe up and I almost feeling cocky about the information I had obtained. I was so enthusiastic to put it to use. Joe hops in the car, and we say hello to each other. And hilariously enough, one of the first things he says really grinds my gears (it was obviously so insignificant that I can't remember it) and I tried as hard as I could to talk myself out of getting annoyed but my feathers were so ruffled I couldn't comb them back down and THAT is when I realized I was allowing my emotions to control me, and not the other way around.

And so... I got home and wrote it down, the thing that is hanging on the wall in the kitchen where I do all of my "work". It says, "I will control my emotions and not allow them to control me. Acceptance, enthusiasm, or joyfulness are the ONLY three emotions I will strive for."

All these nervous breakdowns are serving their purpose :D I think sometimes we have to get a little torn down to rebuild ourselves to be stronger.

Self Confidence and Self Respect

I've started reading a parenting help book that both my Mom and Wrenn have raved about. It's called Your Child's Self Esteem. And only 40 pages in, I'm already seeing why they're nuts about it. Not only has it began to help me connect with Saylor, but it's helping me connect with myself as well. I think some people, including myself, get confused when it comes to the idea of self esteem or confidence. It really shouldn't be something you even think about. For example, when I know I'm about to meet someone new, I get sick to my stomach nervous. The more important the meeting is, the more gut wrenched I am. When I start feeling this way, I try to catch myself and talk myself into portraying myself as confident and nonchalant, even though inside I'm shriveling from nervousness and wary of anything that could be perceived as "awkward". This is a false confidence, and maybe even conceit. To achieve true confidence we need to feel worthwhile and loved. We can feel this way in an instant, we just have to allow ourselves to know that we are those things. Because you are.

This brings us to self respect. When I start to feel down on myself, and that "mean" Casey that lives in my head starts feeding me lies to warp my view of my true self, I ask myself, "If another person were here with me, saying the negative things to me that I am saying to myself, would I consider them a friend? Would I even ever hang out with them?" No. I wouldn't. Because it's a priority of mine to be around uplifting positive people, and I HAVE to remember... that priority applies to myself, also. Specifically, "mean" Casey.

When you feel worthwhile, you automatically start making better choices, better life decisions. I deserve to feel good in my body, so I'll run that mile I've been putting off today. I am worth it to not be around negativity, I will stand up for myself the next time someone (even if that someone is me) puts me down. We all deserve to be treated with love, respect, and care. Please remember this. Please remind yourself of this daily.

The rain is comin'!

Yes, I am afraid that the rain is upon us, now. But being as that I haven't seen any rain in about 3 months, we've been enjoying it. If you throw on a rain jacket and rain boots, it's actually really enjoyable walking around in it. It definitely brings a freshness to the environment. And from what all of the seasoned Oregonians tell us, we probably won't see another ray of sunshine until May or later! So we will have to adapt to just biting the bullet, and accept the fact that we will get wet. Because, I cannot stay cooped up for 8 months- it's getting wet or shriveling up and dying indoors- haha.

It hasn't even been a week since my family left and I started to miss them when I could still see their rental car driving away. And of course, Saylor had to break my heart by asking, "They be right back?" and I had to break my own heart by answering, "No." BUT!!!! On the absolutely glorious bright side, Joe and I bought our plane tickets to Georgia today! We will be there for 23 days in December (and January). I am just unbelievably taken back by Joe's and my families generosity for pulling together to bring us home for the holidays. It pulls at my heart strings every time I think about it.

And just to update from my last post, I, personally, am doing much better. I think having my family here was the therapy I needed. I can't remember if I mentioned this in the last post, but I've been going to a Mommy Get Together about 1-2 times a week and that has been so great for both me and Saylor. The Mom's are great, and there is a wide range of kids from still in the womb to kindergarten age, so Saylor really enjoys the play time and it keeps me sane being able to talk with the other Mom's.

I'll catch up with you guys later!!

It's been a little while!

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with my blog, you guys! I hit a little rough patch for a little bit.

I enjoy writing about progressive things, and for the past couple weeks or so, it's been hard for me to find things to write about. I had been riding not only the wedding high, but the moving high, and the new house high, etc. etc. And one day I woke up and that 'high' felt as if it had vanished. Suddenly cleaning the dishes 3x a day, along with other chores, wasn't as exhilerating as it was 2 months ago. Making dinner didn't hold the appeal it did 2 months ago. And throughout the day, I had a voice in head come out of no where that said 'you're depressed'. And I said, 'Haha... No, I most certainly am not. Please go away.' But it kept coming back, saying the same thing, and after fighting it for a couple weeks, I finally started believing it. I stopped paying attention to my 'to-do' list. I stopped looking for ways to keep my mind occupied, and for about a week, I just did the bare minimun. I made dinner, I cleaned dishes when they were piled a mile high, and at the end of the day would quickly clean up before I went to pick Joe up from work.

Obviously I'm not proud of this slump I was in, but... I just want to be real with you, and admit that I am not JUST the happy go lucky loving every milisecond of life person ALL of the time. I aim to be, but let's be real, who is? Anyway- I had been keeping the way I was truly feeling from Joe, when it finally came crashing down this weekend. Saylor was taking a nap and Joe and I were playing a game of Othello. Now, Joe beats me at almost EVERYTHING we do, and I'm used to it, and usually think it's pretty humorous- but this game was different. I started getting very upset and frustrated, calling myself dumb and questioning why he is always better at everything. Then being the female that I am, that converstaion ultimately turned into something else entirely (the real reason I've been so glum). I MISS MY FAMILY. AND MY FRIENDS. And even my old coworkers.

I am in grief of the life I "gave up" to come to Oregon. I felt very guilty for feeling that way. So- moving on to the point of me realizing it's not worth it to feel bad anymore.....

Yesterday- I looked in the mirror and just told myself that I had given myself time to mope and feel sorry for myself, and that was enough. It was now time to get back to business. I promised myself that as soon as I felt myself starting to mope or feel sad again, I would feel it, and recognize it for what it is, and then I would go on to keep myself busy and not sit in it all day.

So, so far so good. I feel good, and like I'm getting back on track. (And I can't lie, the fact that my parents are going to be at my house in less than 48 hours is helping). I just keep telling myself this is a place to grow as a person and really... a place to really get to know myself and learn to REALLY love myself, which I think is an art very few of us TRULY master. I am now officially turning off the mean voice in my head, and turning on the nice one. Beside, if the mean voice was a real person, there is NO way I would ever hang out with them. So, I'm applying that same concept to the mean side of my brain. :D I love you guys.

Birthday Blend

Glowing green smoothie

3 leaves of lettuce

about 5 or 6 sprigs of spinach

one apple

one pear

1 celery stalk

one banana

a cup of water

and some lemon juice

Healthy and delicious! And for my birthday yesterday, Joe took me to get my nose pierced (also featured in the picture above.)

And we drove to the coast the day before to have some family time, which was really awesome. I don't know what the coast does to us, but as soon as we get our feet in the sand it's just total relaxation. Now we are just looking forward to a simple slow moving weekend, and we hope all of you have the same.

Shmorgishborg Ln.

...is what our road should be called. It seems like every day I walk down it I discover yet another tree or bush that contains edible delights.

Blackberry bush

Plum tree in our front yard (which we and the neighbors have eaten mostly all of, but there are a few out of reach that remain.)

Saylor snagged an apple from the apple tree in front of our mailbox (I've counted about 7 apple trees so far.)

She generously shared her apple with the chickens right across the street.

And growing in my garden is the corn...

watermelon...

summer squash...

zucchini

and my tomato is JUST starting.

And in front of the chickens I discovered what my neighbor and I believe to be a hazelnut tree!

In updates about the no sugar, I'm still going strong- today is Day #3. Joe caved and ate a Snickers yesterday. Tsk...

And in potty training world, Saylor is doing very well... We're having trouble with the #2. Yesterday I heard her playing in the dining room, and she came into the kitchen and said "Yay!!! I pooped, Mama!!" I walked into the dining room to discover she had done just that under our table. She has the right idea, just not the right location, unfortunately.

Our week long challange starts TODAY!

Joe and I got woken up in the middle of the night by Saylor wanting to get in bed with us. This happens at least 3 times a week, and it usually takes me about half an hour to fall back asleep. In that 30 minutes last night I started thinking about one thing I could cut out of my life that didn't make me feel good, or wasn't benefiting me. The first thing that popped into my head was sugar. For whatever reason, at 8 pm every night an alarm goes off in me that screams "SUGAR! SUGAR!" and I always give into it. I even make a serious attempt to not keep anything sweet in the house, but of course, a sweet tooth always finds a way to feed. I usually just make cookies or something from scratch. Tsk... So, at 2 am this morning, I decided to set out on a mission... a mission to do nothing! When my sweet tooth calls, I will not respond. In fact, I went as far as to make myself cut out sugar in general (for one week). No yogurt with added sugar, no ketchup, no sweetened jelly, you get the idea. I went to my sacred calander where everything written down is done, and continued to right an 's' with the "no smoking" slash through it for 7 days.

I told Joe about it this morning and he got really excited for me... And even agreed to join me! Our conversation started to drift towards high fructose corn syrup, and in a fit of excitement we started going through our fridge and throwing things away that contained it. And the things that we didn't want to waste the money on throwing away was sorted separately on opposite sides of the fridge or cupboard so we would know to eat it in moderation. So, the week started this morning and I am doing fine... But when 8 pm rolls around I might have to lock myself in my room!

All or nothing: When nature calls....

                                                               My Saylor...


So I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself for being super proud of her for pee peeing 8 times in her potty yesterday, with about 2 accidents, but I can't help but be super stoked. We're making a special trip to wal-mart to pick up some real panties and some plastic liners to go over them. I kind of feel like I'm an all or nothing kind of person... If we're going to do it, we're going to do it completely.

I still am a little confused on how I'm going to handle the night time pee pees. I guess I'm going to enforce a "no liquids after 6" rule (her bed time is at 8), and not put her down until she's pee peed. But besides that I'm a little lost on what to do in the middle of the night when nature calls. I guess I'll do what I'm best at when it comes to parenthood and play it by ear (or play it by pee pee).

Well, I don't have much else to write about. My mind has pretty much been focused on potty training for the last 30 hours, and I don't really want to focus it on anything else at this point... I'm painfully determined to make this happen! I'll update in a few days (and I'm hoping to still be this optimistic!)

I feel healthy...

I woke up this morning and realized that I feel so good when I exercise and eat well. I mean, duh, common sense, but the benefits of doing those two things outweigh the taste of any decadent treats. Another thing I've realized is that even though you don't wake up 10 lbs lighter, the fact that you know you're working towards your goals gives you self confidence.

I've been thinking about why I've felt so overwhelmingly happy since I've moved here. Not that I wasn't extremely happy in Georgia... being around my family would mean everything to me, but I have been thinking about what I've changed since I've moved here that has gotten me closer to happiness. Obviously getting married would be #1. Sharing everything with someone is really beautiful, and I look at is as an art that no one will master. The hard times bring happiness, because when you overcome hurdles you're one step closer to mastering the art of matrimony.

#2 would have to be prioritizing. Now that I'm lucky enough to be able to stay home with Saylor, I'm able to appreciate her has my main priority. Not that I didn't before, when I was working, and not that the working Mom isn't able to, just for me specifically... I feel as if I'm not blinded by other factors that should have been on the back burner. She's my main focus throughout the entire day, and even though it's not easy, the difficulties add great reward. (i.e. 2 hours of non stop attempts to get her to use her potty yesterday and she FINALLY did it. Stressful, then rewarding for both parties involved!)

The #3 in the list is taking care of my own messes. Oddly enough, I've found great meditation in cleaning. There's just something about taking something messy and making it shine that gives me great pleasure. Now, don't get this confused with enjoyment. If I didn't have to clean that would be awesome, BUT after I'm done there is a sense of achievement. When I lived at home the dishes magically always got washed, and I didn't mind clothes all over my bedroom floor, and not cleaning my bathroom. Or at least I thought I didn't mind, but it is a much more pleasant living environment now that I DO mind.

And last but not least, #4. I've been forcing myself not to stress over the things I can't control or that doesn't REALLY matter. If I start to feel myself getting anxious, or losing sleep over a stressor, I try and think about being on my death bed. Will this "stressor" be important then? Will we lose our house, electricity, or be unable to eat because of this "stressor"? If the answer is "No," I make myself put it out my head and let it be. Sometimes it's easier than others, but I really try to make a conscious effort to let it go and let it be.

Now, if only I could see my family and Joe's family often I would be the happiest girl on the planet! So, thank goodness for Skype!

The Oregon Trail: an update on newlywed life.

So we've been in Oregon a little over a month. Our routine has finally been established and things are really smoothing down. Even though we have been married for a month and a half, at the end of a long day we will sit down, sigh, look at one another and still be shocked that we are where we are. I can vividly remember being 10 years old and looking in the mirror intently at my face. I wanted to know more than anything what I would be like in 10 more years. I couldn't see a grown up, as hard as I tried. Now, I look at myself and I can thankfully still see 10 year old me. Sometimes, I can still talk to her and assure her that she somehow gets everything she wants out of life.

Becoming a parent and getting married has been so rewarding in a countless number of ways, but one of the things I am most grateful for is the immense appreciate I've gained for my own Mom. I FINALLY can comprehend the love and devotion she has for my family. I'm able to understand that her love for me and my brother truly is undying and unconditional, and it's through my love for Saylor that I'm able to understand it.

Saylor is so exciting. She has just started saying 'I love you, Mama,' out of nowhere, without me saying it to her first. It tears my heart in half every time I hear it just because it's almost too painfully sweet for me to handle. She can count to 13 (she has the numbers memorized, at least. Don't ask her to count actual objects), she says 'macamoni' for macaroni, 'piece-a-ghetti' for spaghetti, and 'sayah' for saylor. She is having difficulties with her r's, which may just be due to the fact that's she's 2, but I'm still really trying to work with her on it. We're starting to attempt to introduce her to some Spanish, so I'm super thankful that Joe is almost fluent. (Bear with me, I'm not the type to brag about my daughter, so when I do decide to I try to spit out as much as I can.) Now the cutest, in my opinion, is when I go to get her from her nap or in the morning, she says 'I wake up from my nappy time.' She's my best little friend.

Married life has changed me, for sure. I am.... ORGANIZED! I make lists! All kinds of lists! AND... I am a clean freak?? Who would have ever thought? And the weirdest thing of all is that I like it! The virgo is finally coming out in me, is what my Mom says. But I have really been enjoying being a stay at home mom. Before we got married and moved, doing that stay at home thing was what scared me more than anything. I thought I'd be dying of boredom each day, counting the seconds until Joe would come home so I'd have another adult to talk to, but now I have come to realize that I don't have enough time in the day to get everything done that I need to BEFORE Joe comes home. But I don't slave too much. I divide up chores so I do one part of the house a week. Like Monday: kitchen Tuesday: Living room, etc. etc. Then I take Saylor to the park or on a walk down the street, and it seems like there is ALWAYS something that needs to get done. And when I have finally completed everything on my list I use it for creative time and just do different crafts that are fun to do AND provide some sort of purpose or usage. Like, I made a pencil holder for Joe the other day. And what is really odd to me is that I feel like I move non stop each day. I never sit on the couch and watch TV, EVER, but somehow... every day over dinner Joe will ask me 'So, what all did you do today?' and I can never for the life of me give a response that gives good reason as to what filled up my day. My life is a big mystery even to myself. More posts soon to come........