My mantra...

I had the most wonderful conversation with my best friend, Kinsey, the other day. We talked for 2 hours, so a lot was discussed. She's a very 'with it' girl, so I always thoroughly enjoy hearing what she has to say about... well, anything. We came to the topic of our love lives, and she said something to me that really hit home. She was saying that naturally in relationships we develop expectations, and that seems harmless in most aspects, but it's really not okay. She said, love is just love, it doesn't expect anything, and when you don't get what you expect from your partner, you feel slighted or unfulfilled, but it's really your fault in the first place for having those expectations. And she is absolutely right.

My relationship with Joe is great, but after hearing those words from her, I really started to put them into play, and just over the past week, our connection has really strengthened. I realized I DID have expectations that even I was unaware of, because they had become so engraved and accepted in our relationship, and then when they weren't met, I became authoritative and almost demanding of them to BE met. Now that I'm seeing those expectations for what they are and I'm letting them go. And now that they are going away, I feel more fulfilled than ever! Who wants to do something for someone when they are demanding it? It's easier to deliver when a person has their guard down and doesn't have any strict guidelines to meet. Is this making sense?! Hahaha.

Okay, so this brings me to how I developed my mantra. The day Kinsey and I spoke about this, I became determined to break down my expectations. So, I drove to the OSU campus to pick Joe up and I almost feeling cocky about the information I had obtained. I was so enthusiastic to put it to use. Joe hops in the car, and we say hello to each other. And hilariously enough, one of the first things he says really grinds my gears (it was obviously so insignificant that I can't remember it) and I tried as hard as I could to talk myself out of getting annoyed but my feathers were so ruffled I couldn't comb them back down and THAT is when I realized I was allowing my emotions to control me, and not the other way around.

And so... I got home and wrote it down, the thing that is hanging on the wall in the kitchen where I do all of my "work". It says, "I will control my emotions and not allow them to control me. Acceptance, enthusiasm, or joyfulness are the ONLY three emotions I will strive for."

All these nervous breakdowns are serving their purpose :D I think sometimes we have to get a little torn down to rebuild ourselves to be stronger.

Self Confidence and Self Respect

I've started reading a parenting help book that both my Mom and Wrenn have raved about. It's called Your Child's Self Esteem. And only 40 pages in, I'm already seeing why they're nuts about it. Not only has it began to help me connect with Saylor, but it's helping me connect with myself as well. I think some people, including myself, get confused when it comes to the idea of self esteem or confidence. It really shouldn't be something you even think about. For example, when I know I'm about to meet someone new, I get sick to my stomach nervous. The more important the meeting is, the more gut wrenched I am. When I start feeling this way, I try to catch myself and talk myself into portraying myself as confident and nonchalant, even though inside I'm shriveling from nervousness and wary of anything that could be perceived as "awkward". This is a false confidence, and maybe even conceit. To achieve true confidence we need to feel worthwhile and loved. We can feel this way in an instant, we just have to allow ourselves to know that we are those things. Because you are.

This brings us to self respect. When I start to feel down on myself, and that "mean" Casey that lives in my head starts feeding me lies to warp my view of my true self, I ask myself, "If another person were here with me, saying the negative things to me that I am saying to myself, would I consider them a friend? Would I even ever hang out with them?" No. I wouldn't. Because it's a priority of mine to be around uplifting positive people, and I HAVE to remember... that priority applies to myself, also. Specifically, "mean" Casey.

When you feel worthwhile, you automatically start making better choices, better life decisions. I deserve to feel good in my body, so I'll run that mile I've been putting off today. I am worth it to not be around negativity, I will stand up for myself the next time someone (even if that someone is me) puts me down. We all deserve to be treated with love, respect, and care. Please remember this. Please remind yourself of this daily.

The rain is comin'!

Yes, I am afraid that the rain is upon us, now. But being as that I haven't seen any rain in about 3 months, we've been enjoying it. If you throw on a rain jacket and rain boots, it's actually really enjoyable walking around in it. It definitely brings a freshness to the environment. And from what all of the seasoned Oregonians tell us, we probably won't see another ray of sunshine until May or later! So we will have to adapt to just biting the bullet, and accept the fact that we will get wet. Because, I cannot stay cooped up for 8 months- it's getting wet or shriveling up and dying indoors- haha.

It hasn't even been a week since my family left and I started to miss them when I could still see their rental car driving away. And of course, Saylor had to break my heart by asking, "They be right back?" and I had to break my own heart by answering, "No." BUT!!!! On the absolutely glorious bright side, Joe and I bought our plane tickets to Georgia today! We will be there for 23 days in December (and January). I am just unbelievably taken back by Joe's and my families generosity for pulling together to bring us home for the holidays. It pulls at my heart strings every time I think about it.

And just to update from my last post, I, personally, am doing much better. I think having my family here was the therapy I needed. I can't remember if I mentioned this in the last post, but I've been going to a Mommy Get Together about 1-2 times a week and that has been so great for both me and Saylor. The Mom's are great, and there is a wide range of kids from still in the womb to kindergarten age, so Saylor really enjoys the play time and it keeps me sane being able to talk with the other Mom's.

I'll catch up with you guys later!!